I think I won the penis lottery.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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