I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like death gave me a hand job
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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