Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
