is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
