Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
