I can feel you judging me through the phone.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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