He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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