Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
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For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
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Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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