I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
