I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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