I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
