hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
