Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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