So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
