1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
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There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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