haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
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I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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