my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
