Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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