What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize