I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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