So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
