i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
