But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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