I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
