I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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