If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
