so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
