I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
