It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
