you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
