how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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