there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I feel like a drive thru vagina
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
