i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
