Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
