I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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