Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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