I just pynch a tree in the face
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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