Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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