Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I have demons in me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
