I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
