that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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