if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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