so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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