I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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