Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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