im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
