ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
