Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
