When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
