I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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