i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
