We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
