Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
