What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
