The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
