He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
