I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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